It’s slowly dawned on me that I’ve come full circle.
I started running in 2010. I was at my highest weight and feeling gross and out of shape. I had been counseled at work for less than professional dress- apparently I looked frumpy. Work sponsored a Fun Run every year- though true story- this was more legit road race than fun run, it seriously warped my view of how races were run for the longest time. A friend was training for a marathon. I thought why not??
So I started changing at work and attempting a run right after work. I was so out shape, I hoped no one I knew saw me running. Or walking. Every now and then a customer would say that they saw me out there. I would always where they lived so I could be sure to run past their house on future runs and not walk.
Slowly I ran more and more, the weight started to come off and I started to get faster. I ran more races and discovered PR’s and bling. I learned that even though I am a socially awkward people person, I loved the camaraderie of races- everyone grumbling at the early morning starts, long lines at port -a -potties and the people you encounter throughout the course.
Then, I started to go backwards. My times got slower and the weight starting coming back. With a vengeance. Running became harder and I was struggling to keep my motivation.
I’ve run 40 half marathons, 2 marathons and countless other distances but now, I can barely make myself get out the door.
When I do, I remember what I love about running even though it is harder than ever. I took that above mentioned highest weight ever in 2010 and not only met it but raised it another 40 pounds. And yes, while the weight does make it harder, I also realize my deep running ennui with life right now is the biggest stumbling block.
I was changing after work to go for a run last week (for the first time since I transferred back) and that’s when it hit me. I am back in the same office I was in when I started running all those years ago. I feel just as awkward now as I did then. I’ve come full circle. I think my shame at what I let happen has overpowered everything else.
Ever have one of those days where it’s all just off? Nothing wrong, nothing bad happens but it’s still off? I think I have had one of those days brewing for a while. And it was set off by a dress this morning. Disclaimer- this is longish and disjointed.
If you’ve read “My Story” page you know my mother and I set about getting healthy and losing weight back in 2012. If not, skip it as I really need to update it- which is why I’m not linking it. That was the first time I ever really dedicated myself to getting fit; granted it was the competitor in me that kept me going in the beginning. Growing up I was a stick, like seriously, turn sideways and you lost me. However it was the wrong decade for that to be in fashion, so I remember a lot of digs about my lack of curves. One year, our team tennis skirts were handmade by some lady. She measured us in public on the tennis court saying the dimensions out loud. Yeah, that was fun. One girl laughed and another responded by saying that everyone else would be a normal size while I was measured. Whatever. I ate like a bottomless pit so that apparently redeemed me when we went to Carl’s Jr after every away match. Oh and lunch everyday was fries and Dr. Pepper. Occasionally a malt. Does anyone remember those? I only ever saw them in the school. I’m not a fan of chocolate ice cream but man those were good.
Then came the combination of growing up, a slowing metabolism, less physical activity, oh and let’s not forget Taco Bell. Managers ate for free. 9 years of free food, however I wanted to make it, 5 days a week, more than one meal. Yeah, you can guess how that went. My stomach was a jerk even back then, so I wore the guys uniform pants which made it easier to live in denial as well. Oddly though, I don’t remember ever really thinking about the 60+ pounds that I had put on. Like I said- uniform denial.
Then I started working with my current employers. I had to wear real clothes! Which meant shopping and realizing that maybe I could lose a few. I naively hoped that no longer having access to tons of free food would take care of that. Ha! I didn’t take into account that while my new job wasn’t exactly sedentary it was a drastic cut back from 10 hours of standing, walking, cleaning, lifting 40 lb boxes every day. I was also suddenly introduced to baked goods. Who knew brownies tasted so good? I had a new coworker who was an amazing baker. To this day, she still makes my favorite chocolate chip cookies. A couple years of half-assed, yo yo dieting followed, that included another 20 lbs gained then lost. I started running. Nothing seemed to click until late summer 2012.
I don’t know if it was the slight competition with my mother or if I was finally just over it. By making healthier choices and upping the exercise, we both succeeded this time, I hit goal weight in January 2013. Sweet! Truthfully, I think I felt the best that year, health wise, stomach wise, running wise and just comfortable in my skin. Let me be clear that my goal weight was not some ridiculous insane number -I lost 40 lbs.
I kept it off for all of 2013 but put on 5 around Christmas. Not a huge surprise, no big deal, I’ll just lose it again. Right? I upped my running in the beginning of 2014 but the weight would just not leave. I admit that part of the problem was a new “what the hell” attitude. For example- ” I just ran 10 miles, I can totally have that pizza”. Seriously faulty logic. An odd note- I never liked pizza until I lost the weight. I only ever ate it as a last resort, now I love it. Weird right?
Then June came along, and my stomach threw its temper tantrum. And it’s been a looooooong tantrum. More reinforcement for the faulty logic- if everything makes me sick, guess I should eat whatever right? Now on good days, I am up 10 lbs, on bad days up 15. Yes, I can fluctuate more than 5lbs on an hourly a daily basis. Stupid stomach.
It pisses me off but I can’t seem to get out of my own way. I’ve cut back on sugar, soda, and pizza. I’ve upped the fruits and vegetables. I have a stand up desk. I quit cookie Friday. Like cold turkey- none on Fridays. Barring the flu incident in January, my running has been more consistent 3-4x a week. And still the scale doesn’t move. Oddly enough, my gastro told me I looked skinny at my last appointment. We bickered about it for a bit. Muscle does not weigh more than fat- a pound is a pound. And trust me, this is not muscle.
A dress made me cry this morning. I had an important meeting at work- all the managers and executives- and I had planned my outfit for a week. Then I put it on this morning. I wore it not too long ago. The weight is different this time. It’s all in my bottom half and things don’t fit right. I wonder if it’s part of what is slowing me down running wise. Then I wonder if that is just an excuse I am telling myself. Maybe I just won’t get faster. And round and round we go. Then there are days like last Friday where something sets me off and I eat too many donuts. More bridges to nowhere. It’s not even the number on the scale really. It’s how I feel.
In fact, I am not sure where this post is going. Maybe I just needed to vent, maybe I am looking for advice, maybe commiseration. I’ve been thinking about writing this for a while but never followed through. Maybe this is my way of burning bridges that lead nowhere- a trip down memory lane and some venting.
So…thoughts? Did I even make sense?
And a light-hearted one- Ever disliked a food for most of your life then suddenly love it?