Full Circle

It’s slowly dawned on me that I’ve come full circle.

I started running in 2010. I was at my highest weight and feeling gross and out of shape. I had been counseled at work for less than professional dress- apparently I looked frumpy. Work sponsored a Fun Run every year- though true story- this was more legit road race than fun run, it seriously warped my view of how races were run for the longest time. A friend was training for a marathon. I thought why not??

So I started changing at work and attempting a run right after work. I was so out shape, I hoped no one I knew saw me running. Or walking. Every now and then a customer would say that they saw me out there. I would always where they lived so I could be sure to run past their house on future runs and not walk.

Slowly I ran more and more, the weight started to come off and I started to get faster. I ran more races and discovered PR’s and bling. I learned that even though I am a socially awkward people person, I loved the camaraderie of races- everyone grumbling at the early morning starts, long lines at port -a -potties and the people you encounter throughout the course.

Then, I started to go backwards. My times got slower and the weight starting coming back. With a vengeance. Running became harder and I was struggling to keep my motivation.

I’ve run 40 half marathons, 2 marathons and countless other distances but now, I can barely make myself get out the door.

When I do, I remember what I love about running even though it is harder than ever. I took that above mentioned highest weight ever in 2010 and not only met it but raised it another 40 pounds. And yes, while the weight does make it harder, I also realize my deep running ennui with life right now is the biggest stumbling block.

I was changing after work to go for a run last week (for the first time since I transferred back) and that’s when it hit me. I am back in the same office I was in when I started running all those years ago. I feel just as awkward now as I did then. I’ve come full circle. I think my shame at what I let happen has overpowered everything else.

How did I let it happen?
How do I start over?