Tag: stress

Lost…

It’s funny the way that music brings back memories, or even just a feeling.

The last time I downloaded music onto my phone was around 2016-2017. Then streaming services started to take over and instead of choosing each song individually and intentionally and paying 1.99 for it, the monthly fee took over and music was just available with little to no deliberation. It no longer required thought.

That said, I have an Iphone and did back then too. Granted back then it was a smaller version and I didn’t use iCloud so anything downloaded onto the phone had to be chosen very carefully, after all it took up valuable space. But the beauty of IPhones is that everything just gets pushed forward with each new device.

I recently went on a 9 hour road trip and as we expected when in the middle of nowhere, I lost connectivity. Streaming was out but I also can’t have silence when driving or I get sleepy. So I pulled up Apple Music and put those old playlists on shuffle.

Y’all those songs sent me back to when I was a different person. Back when I knew what I was doing. I liked who I was, I liked my job and my coworkers and I loved how running made me feel. Some of those songs are still in today’s rotation but they way they tie in with other songs I haven’t heard in years just hits different.

Which then made me have to admit I lost that person. And they have been missing for sometime now.

I don’t know where I am going or what I am doing. The things that used to make me happy just frustrate the hell out of me now. Everything got harder and I responded by burying it all in sleep and laziness. Or just general avoidance with anything.

I used to love running. Now it’s hard and depresses me. I used to love my job, now the stress is making my hair fall out. I used to love reading, now I have next to no attention span. I used to love writing this blog, aforementioned attention span also killed that. I used to be bitchier but was still nicer. Now, I’m too burned out to give a shit.

I don’t know where I am going with this but maybe it’s time I try to find what I lost. Can I dig myself out the hole I’ve created or is the ground too unstable.

Berkeley Trail Adventure- Recap

This may be my year of trail races.

Way back in September- Berkeley Trail Adventure took place up in Berkeley in Tilden Park. I actually registered super late for it- just a couple of days before the race. Turned it into a family affair- my mother, brother and I all headed up on race morning. That meant a 4AM leave time. It was rough not gonna lie. I was registered for the 10K and my brother was registered for the 35k.

The 35K started first with the 50K’ers and then I had some time to wait before the half and then the 10K started. The half ended up starting 15 minute early so I thought maybe the 10K would but nope. We started on time, which normally is great, I was just confused, ha!

The race started by running up a little hill and then through the parking lot to get to the trails. I am torn on how I feel about these trails; parts I loved and other parts felt like I was in someone’s backyard. Because we kind of were. Parts of the trail backed up to a neighborhood or overlooked a golf course. Other parts made you feel like you were in the woods far away from civilization.

I had had crap week and was planning on taking it easy for the race. A look at the course elevation showed that we climbed for 3 miles and then ran downhill for 3. The incline didn’t look too steep- my favorite kind of course. The first 2 miles lived up to the course profile. I was feeling decent about the hills and making decent power hike time.

Then the last part of the hill to mile 3 killed me. I felt like parts were vertical and was trying to figure out where the hell this had been on the elevation profile. I was dying. I felt a little better when what looked like a super fit half marathon runner passed me – they were moving slightly fast than me but also showed they were struggling. Solidarity.

Not the actual hill, an easier one from earlier in the race3

Once I finally made to the the top, I had to walk more than I would have liked just to bring my heart rate down. I was also struggling to get my water bottle back into my pack for some reason and it was making me cranky. So of course I look up and see the race photographer. I shouted out seriously?!? Then I just to run by him without any other issues.😂

The next mile or so was an awesome runnable downhill and I suddenly felt like I was in the zone. I felt I could have stayed there all day. But we couldn’t, the course looked back round to first mile or so and now we were running those rollers the opposite way.

And my body let me know it was toast. So I walked a lot. Which was fine but I was missing that zen feeling I had a mile back. We came back to the finish through the parking lot and then had a small uphill to the finish line. Boo.

Finish- 1:39:32

Once across, I got some snacks and waited for my brother to finish his race. I had an idea of what I thought he would finish in and just kept looking for his bib color. I was realizing that if I was right, he could very well place. And he did. 4th overall and third in his age group. Hell yeah!

While I didn’t like this course as much as Santa Cruz, I would definitely run it again. Just wish it was closer.

Ghosted

Oops. Didn’t mean to disappear. My last post was about Santa Rosa. That was August. Oops.

Running or power hiking has been decent since then. I have three trail races to recap and tell you all about. Those will hopefully be up soon.

I had a great trail day at the beginning of October where I went out with the plan of getting lost. I did pretty well. 😄. And I don’t mean really, rally lost. I didn’t want to follow any sort of plan and just changed course each a time a trail intersection looked interesting. I was in a funk mentally and hoped a choose your own adventure kind of day would knock me out of it. I’m also not completely stupid so my adventure was only around 9 miles when it could have been much longer.🤣 Also I kind loved that it was so foggy for most of the day.

Work has been stressful so let’s just leave it at that.

My quarterly strip search- dermatology appointment- prompted another biopsy. Which came back bad and necessitated another cancer excision. I’m getting pretty good at dealing with stitches. Learned I was allergic to paper tape as well as bandaids though. Seriously? On a gamble I tried KT tape. Success!! Expensive as a tape option but worth not trying to claw my skin off due to the itching.

Good news was they got clean margins. Yay! The excision and stitches did mean I had to cut back on running. I tried to only walk, the stitches were high on my back and every single sports bra I own went right on top. Boo. I ended up deferring Joshua Tree half. I blamed the excision for taking away my training time but truthfully I just wasn’t feeling it.

I’m still kind of in a funk but trying to dig my way out. Think a stupid amount of Hallmark Christmas will help?? Or hurt? Maybe some online shopping?? I’m on staycation at the moment. Maybe I have too much time on my hands.😂

What’s new with you?

JUNE JUMPED

I feel like I stood on a cliff on June 3 and jumped. Then it was July. Anyone else?

Let’s see…

Training for Santa Rosa in not where it should be. Luckily it’s early stages still but it doesn’t fill me with confidence for July and August. I ran way less miles than I had originally planned. Or even thought I did. I felt like I had a better month than the numbers show. And the numbers show next to nothing. I set up the most basic of training outlines which mostly just highlights how many miles my long run should be each week and somehow, I am already off track. Crap.

Part of the lower miles was heat related- it was over 100 for a couple of weeks. I never managed an early run as I slept like crap for about 2 weeks too. There were a couple of nights of no sleep. Even my watch was like are you ok? The first night I actually hit 7 hours in June, it gave me a congratulations. Ha! That didn’t stick around though. Boo.

I also wasn’t feeling so great in June. My chest still hurts and normally by now, my allergies start to ease up. I can’t sleep or even find a good position to lay down when my chest feels inflamed. Went for my annual chest x-ray and it shows nothing. Which is good but also annoying.

I did manage to get in some good trail miles though. A couple of which I looked like Ranger Rick for. I am trying to work out more sun coverage for the longer time on my feet days. Can’t find a good hat with decent airflow that covers my face and my ears.

On the work front my boss quit. WTH dude. Don’t worry I said that to his face, no talking behind his back. Then after a couple weeks of thought and stress, I took the jump. And now I have a promotion and a new title. Yay? Now I just need to get my ducks in a row. Thankfully I have an amazing crew, so we will make it work. July is our busiest month though so this should be interesting. Actually it’s the busiest month for the whole city so double yay?

While July is shaping up to be busy, I also have some PTO coming. Not as much as originally planned but still some. I am torn between hiding in a dark room for those days and decompressing or getting out and doing something. May depend on the weather… and the gas prices. There is also a local race I may sign up for. I am not in 10k shape but I do love this race and haven’t run it in years. Oh, and I have a birthday.

Here’s to July- Fingers crossed?

Brake Check

Melanoma.

Not a word you want to hear your doctor say. Then for them to say it again… and in the plural. And in that tone of voice.

I was cocky going into my biopsy appointment. At this point, I have had more biopsies than I can count and have become a little numb to it all. I hate needles, can’t stand them but a scalpel? Why not? Makes no sense at all.

I wear sunblock. Most of the time. I wear high necked tank tops to run in. Most of the time. I wear hats to cover my head and my ears. All of the time. I’ve worn some form on SPF on my face EVERY day since my first biopsy at 16 in high school. Was I perfect? No. Did I like some color on my arms and legs? Yes.

After the call from the doctor came- telling me that both biopsies came back as melanoma, I went a little numb. I think I faded out on the phone call as well. And while I have good insurance, it does require hoop jumping. One of those hoops is that my next procedure couldn’t be scheduled for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of the unknown, fear and worry. But no Google. I knew if I went down that road, it wasn’t going to be pretty.

It’s been weeks of stress, poor sleep, worry, stress eating, emotional shopping, doubt and worry. I think I repeated myself. Did I get lazy and not use enough sunscreen in the last few years? Probably. I missed my annual checkup in 2020 due to COVID, would that have made a difference? Doubt and hindsight go hand in hand until they drive you crazy.

Some of my coworkers know exactly what is wrong, others just know something is wrong. Actually my mother has told more people than I have. Thanks mom.

What gets me is that I know what to look for, I know all about the ABC’s of skin cancer. and the pictures they show you as examples. Hell, this isn’t my first post about my history. Often what the doc takes to biopsy looks nothing like those pictures and it’s a spot I’ve barely even noticed before. Both of these were exactly like that. I had to hunt through running pictures just to find one that showed the mole on my left arm. It doesn’t look like anything! And yet, it is the worst of the two.

I had my secondary appointment a week ago and they went back for more. I am now owner of a fun row of internal and external stitches that pull and itch as well as the now painful realization of how damn often I use my left arm. I drive with my left arm, use my mouse with my left arm. Desk phone at work is on the left side as is the printer. The table next to my comfy chair for tv watching is on the left side- full Yeti’s are heavy! But pain for a short period of time, I can handle that for a good response.

I don’t have all the answers nor do I even know all the questions. I’ve moved a little from stress and chaos into trying to just deal with whatever comes… oh and trying to find the humor in things. There are multiple appointments in the weeks to come and I need all the positivity I can get. But I can say it out loud now and even type it as well. That’s something, right?

Oh and wear your damn sunscreen!!!!!