Tag: stress

Brake Check

Melanoma.

Not a word you want to hear your doctor say. Then for them to say it again… and in the plural. And in that tone of voice.

I was cocky going into my biopsy appointment. At this point, I have had more biopsies than I can count and have become a little numb to it all. I hate needles, can’t stand them but a scalpel? Why not? Makes no sense at all.

I wear sunblock. Most of the time. I wear high necked tank tops to run in. Most of the time. I wear hats to cover my head and my ears. All of the time. I’ve worn some form on SPF on my face EVERY day since my first biopsy at 16 in high school. Was I perfect? No. Did I like some color on my arms and legs? Yes.

After the call from the doctor came- telling me that both biopsies came back as melanoma, I went a little numb. I think I faded out on the phone call as well. And while I have good insurance, it does require hoop jumping. One of those hoops is that my next procedure couldn’t be scheduled for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of the unknown, fear and worry. But no Google. I knew if I went down that road, it wasn’t going to be pretty.

It’s been weeks of stress, poor sleep, worry, stress eating, emotional shopping, doubt and worry. I think I repeated myself. Did I get lazy and not use enough sunscreen in the last few years? Probably. I missed my annual checkup in 2020 due to COVID, would that have made a difference? Doubt and hindsight go hand in hand until they drive you crazy.

Some of my coworkers know exactly what is wrong, others just know something is wrong. Actually my mother has told more people than I have. Thanks mom.

What gets me is that I know what to look for, I know all about the ABC’s of skin cancer. and the pictures they show you as examples. Hell, this isn’t my first post about my history. Often what the doc takes to biopsy looks nothing like those pictures and it’s a spot I’ve barely even noticed before. Both of these were exactly like that. I had to hunt through running pictures just to find one that showed the mole on my left arm. It doesn’t look like anything! And yet, it is the worst of the two.

Yeah, my angles suck.

I had my secondary appointment a week ago and they went back for more. I am now owner of a fun row of internal and external stitches that pull and itch as well as the now painful realization of how damn often I use my left arm. I drive with my left arm, use my mouse with my left arm. Desk phone at work is on the left side as is the printer. The table next to my comfy chair for tv watching is on the left side- full Yeti’s are heavy! But pain for a short period of time, I can handle that for a good response.

I don’t have all the answers nor do I even know all the questions. I’ve moved a little from stress and chaos into trying to just deal with whatever comes… oh and trying to find the humor in things. There are multiple appointments in the weeks to come and I need all the positivity I can get. But I can say it out loud now and even type it as well. That’s something, right?

Oh and wear your damn sunscreen!!!!!

Whenever

You know I used to pretty good about posting weekly recaps on Mondays. Then Tuesdays… and now? Whenever, wherever… Oops, Shakira moment.

Yeah, my tendency to turn everything into a song lyric has been working overdrive lately. A new way to deal with stress? Throw some levity into life? Who knows.

Any who.

The previous week saw one bike session and sadly only one running session. Boo. I had plans for more, I really did. I can’t seem to get myself running after work again. It’s not a dark thing- night running is kind of fun but I also can’t put my finger on what it is. But I really need to work on it.

I went out for my first virtual race of the year on Saturday- Oakland 5000. It went about as well as I could have expected considering my lack of running lately. Granted it was also an unseasonably warm day but maybe I should stop making excuses? My pace is what it is now and it will remain that way until I decide to make it something different.

I had plans for a nice trail run but things went off the rails Saturday night. I took the Pops to urgent care in the evening- for a tick! Ok, there are some downsides to trails. He’s fine but we picked up dinner at a burger place and eating later than normal and a burger at that sent my damn GI system into a tailspin. I was a mess for the next 72 hours. Yay, me. I probably need to up one of my meds but I really don’t want to. The top drawer in my bedside table resembles a drug store. Grrr.

Which also hammered home my last dr’s appointment. So now I am watching my carbs, cutting back on artificial sugars which is a pain. Hell, even my toothpaste has been swapped out.

Tell me something good!

Fast

Where did January go? How is this even possible?

Hell, considering I started this post on Monday and it’s now Friday that you are reading it… where did the week go?

I did not get in the miles I had hoped in January. I ended the month with 25 ish miles. Which if we are being honest, is kind of on par with the last few months. Stupid 2020.

I really had hoped for more but the month went by stupid fast. I think I have whiplash, ha. Work got a little chaotic-like. First general busy-ness then a surprise inspection followed by a big maintenance project that I totally wanted but wasn’t ready for. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad it was done but wow was I unprepared for one day to become last week. And this week.

January saw road miles and dirt miles. 2 very different views of the Pacific Ocean, both good. Still on the fence about the trail shoes but hopefully getting there.

With my time flying realization, it also occurred to me that I have races in the next few months, I should probably get on a training plan for. Oops. I have the Napa Valley Perfect Pairing (virtual), the Oakland Marathon half (virtual) which I should downgrade to the 10K. Then a maybe IRL race- Saguaro Half Marathon out in Tucson. All in the next 8ish weeks.

Proving that I still don’t look at calendars well.

A Moment

Running wise, January has gotten off to a slower start than I had hoped for.

Life wise, holy crap, where is the brake? How is it almost February???? I need a moment. Or 5.

Also, if this post reads a little disjointed, it might be that I have been trying to write it for 5 day but keep dozing off in my chair. Oops.

I haven’t been a complete lay about. I have made it out for a few runs and finally got the spin bike in the house and shoes ordered. However I have only used the bike once since the shoes arrived. Oops?? I also signed for that 2 month Peleton free trial but with no onboard computer on the bike, who knows what I am actually doing?

I’ve had a few decent runs and some very slow ones. Spent some time in the dirt and got my new trail shoes dirty. Actually it’s been a long time since I felt like a kid on the trails. It was fun aiming for the rockiest parts instead of taking it easy like I have for the past year or so. Still not sold on the shoes though, it’s been a long stretch of bad luck, so I am not ready to commit just yet.

I have high hopes for the weekend and running but forecasters are predicting we might actually get rain. Say what? It can’t be real. We won’t know how to react!!! No but seriously, rain is desperately needed so as long as it comes in nice and slow, bring it on. Thunderstorms and burn scars make for a bad combo.

We just finished a big, surprise audit at work so my brain may take a little vacation this weekend. It’s been a busy, hectic, chaotic week or so. Maybe I’ll take a nap this weekend.

How has your January been?

Peace Out 2020

I really shouldn’t have said so many bad things about 2019. 2020 was just cackling in the background.

However, instead of digging into the dumpster fire that it was, lets talk about something else.
So, yes, last year went according to no plan but there were some things that didn’t suck.

I ran 2 IRL races. One local 8 miler in January with no medals or bibs or shirts so I kind of feel like I have nothing to show for it. Oh wait- a blog post here!

I ran half marathon #40 on March 1 in Napa. Yeah, not what I had hoped for half #40 but maybe indicative of the shi**storm that was coming. If you missed the sh*tshow- here’s a post!

Then the world went, well you know and my motivation took a huge nosedive. My first canceled race was in mid- March and it went downhill from there.

But moving on.

Work went cuckoo in April and then I received news that I was transferring offices in May. 3 times the size of my current one, so I guess I’m doing something right? I feel like I hit the ground running and haven’t stopped since.

Most of my canceled races transitioned to virtual, very few deferred or postponed. I also signed up for a few virtual challenges. However it took months for any semblance of motivation to come back. I’m still not sure it’s back but I am getting there. Maybe. That’s another post.

So…. yearly mileage. Yeah. I saw a number I haven’t seen since the first year or 2 when I was running. I ran 327 miles in 2020. Yay??

No, it’s not great but it is better than it could have been. When I say I was lazy outside of work- I was lazy. I am only now beginning to realize my stress level and my coping are not where they should be.

For a year with no miles, I may have the biggest medal haul yet-

Not sure how I feel about that. And some are not in this picture as I don’t feel I earned them. Something for 2021 right??

Oh- I did escape to the Grand Canyon and Sedona in the fall. First time as an adult and now I can’t wait to get back there.

Also, I have either optimistically or naively signed up for real race in 2021. Fingers crossed!