Nonexistent Bridges

Ever have one of those days where it’s all just off?  Nothing wrong, nothing bad happens but it’s still off?  I think I have had one of those days brewing for a while.   And it was set off by a dress this morning. Disclaimer- this is longish and disjointed.

If you’ve read “My Story” page you know my mother and I set about getting healthy and losing weight back in 2012.  If not, skip it as I really need to update it- which is why I’m not linking it.    That was the first time I ever really dedicated myself to getting fit; granted it was the competitor in me that kept me going in the beginning.     Growing up I was a stick, like seriously, turn sideways and you lost me.   However it was the wrong decade for that to be in fashion, so I remember a lot of digs about my lack of curves.   One year, our team tennis skirts were handmade by some lady.  She measured us in public on the tennis court saying the dimensions out loud.    Yeah, that was fun.    One girl laughed and another responded by saying that everyone else would be a normal size while I was measured.  Whatever.   I ate like a bottomless pit so that apparently redeemed me when we went to Carl’s Jr after every away match.   Oh and lunch everyday was fries and Dr. Pepper.  Occasionally a malt.  Does anyone remember those?  I only ever saw them in the school.  I’m not a fan of chocolate ice cream but man those were good.

Senior Year, please ignore the tennis ball on the side
Senior Year, please ignore the tennis ball on the side

Then came the combination of growing up, a slowing metabolism, less physical activity, oh and let’s not forget Taco Bell.   Managers ate for free.  9 years of free food, however I wanted to make it, 5 days a week, more than one meal.   Yeah, you can guess how that went.   My stomach was a jerk even back then, so I wore the guys uniform pants which made it easier to live in denial as well.  Oddly though, I don’t remember ever really thinking about the 60+ pounds that I had put on.  Like I said- uniform denial.  blue

Then I started working with my current employers.  I had to wear real clothes!  Which meant shopping and realizing that maybe I could lose a few.   I naively hoped that no longer having access to tons of free food would take care of that.  Ha!   I didn’t take into account that while my new job wasn’t exactly sedentary it was a drastic cut back from 10 hours of standing, walking, cleaning, lifting 40 lb boxes every day.   I was also suddenly introduced to baked goods.  Who knew brownies tasted so good?  I had a new coworker who was an amazing baker.  To this day, she still makes my favorite chocolate chip cookies.   A couple years of half-assed, yo yo dieting followed, that included another 20 lbs gained then lost. I started running.    Nothing seemed to click until late summer 2012.

Second Wine Country 1/2 - 30lbs over goal?
Second Wine Country 1/2 – 30lbs over goal?

I don’t know if it was the slight competition with my mother or if I was finally just over it.   By making healthier choices and upping the exercise, we both succeeded this time, I hit goal weight in January 2013.  Sweet!   Truthfully, I think I felt the best that year, health wise, stomach wise, running wise and just comfortable in my skin.   Let me be clear that my goal weight was not some ridiculous insane number -I lost 40 lbs.

One year later
One year later
The pops again!
FYI- Pops is wearing the same jacket as the above picture

I kept it off for all of 2013 but put on 5 around Christmas.  Not a huge surprise, no big deal, I’ll just lose it again. Right?  I upped my running in the beginning of 2014 but the weight would just not leave.    I admit that part of the problem was a new “what the hell” attitude.   For example- ” I just ran 10 miles, I can totally have that pizza”.  Seriously faulty logic.  An odd note- I never liked pizza until I lost the weight.    I only ever ate it as a last resort, now I love it.    Weird right?

Then June came along, and my stomach threw its temper tantrum.  And it’s been a looooooong tantrum.  More reinforcement for the faulty logic- if everything makes me sick, guess I should eat whatever right?   Now on good days, I am up 10 lbs, on bad days up 15.  Yes, I can fluctuate more than 5lbs on an hourly a daily basis.  Stupid stomach.

I think it's weird how somedays I feel  skinny and somedays I feel like a busted can of biscuits.

It pisses me off but I can’t seem to get out of my own way.    I’ve cut back on sugar, soda, and pizza.  I’ve upped the fruits and vegetables.  I have a stand up desk.  I quit cookie Friday.  Like cold turkey- none on Fridays.   Barring the flu incident in January, my running has been more consistent 3-4x a week.    And still the scale doesn’t move.   Oddly enough, my gastro told me I looked skinny at my last appointment.   We bickered about it for a bit.  Muscle does not weigh more than fat- a pound is a pound.  And trust me, this is not muscle.

A dress made me cry this morning.   I had an important meeting at work- all the managers and executives- and I had planned my outfit for a week.  Then I put it on this morning.  I wore it not too long ago.    The weight is different this time.  It’s all in my bottom half and things don’t fit right.  I wonder if it’s part of what is slowing me down running wise.  Then I wonder if that is just an excuse I am telling myself.  Maybe I just won’t get faster.  And round and round we go.   Then there are days like last Friday where something sets me off and I eat too many donuts.   More bridges to nowhere.   It’s not even the number on the scale really.  It’s how I feel.

In fact, I am not sure where this post is going.  Maybe I just needed to vent, maybe I am looking for advice, maybe commiseration.   I’ve been thinking about writing this for a while but never followed through.    Maybe this is my way of burning bridges that lead nowhere- a trip down memory lane and some venting.

So…thoughts?  Did I even make sense?

And a light-hearted one- Ever disliked a food for most of your life then suddenly love it? 

16 thoughts on “Nonexistent Bridges

  1. I feel you so hard. Summer of 2013 I was in the best shape of my life. Then we moved 3 times in 9 months, I started working in a new office and stopped working out… Gained 15+ pounds. Even though I’m now working out/running more than ever and cutting back on sugar and alcohol, I still haven’t gotten back to where I was. Lot of faulty, circular logic, lots of false starts, lots of temper tantrums. The only thing to do is keep moving and hope that eventually we’ll get there.


    1. Exactly. What seemed hard to do then is even harder now, even with the increased miles. I know a lot of it is mental and I deliberated posting about it for awhile. I finally decided venting would be better than running around in circles in my head. Too bad that doesn’t burn calories! We can do it!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your post does make sense, and it makes me want to send you hugs! Sometimes our bodies have minds of their own, as maddening as it is. I second Rae… just got to keep moving and here’s hoping you’ll feel the way you want to feel real soon ❤


  3. You have to embrace you and love you for who you are. Dont be hard on yourself but also use these feelings as motivation to get to where you want. Something I think helps with eating healthy, is out of sight out of mind. If you find yourself near junk again just walk away from that shit.


  4. Ummm tennis ball on the side … I’m lovin’ ya’ now more than ever Fallon lol 🙂 I so rocked the tennis ball on the side back in the 90’s your transformation through time Fallon … AMAZINGGGG!!!! And former hated foods now liked … black olives. I have transitioned into eating them on pizza now but I still will not eat them plain lol


    1. The 90’s had some classics, right? I think my tennis uniforms hit all of the marks throughout the years! Thank you! That’s kind of like me with spinach, I used to hate spinach but as long as it’s in a smoothie or in an omelet, I will eat it now. But not by itself, yuck.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It totally made sense. My body has changed too, and I can’t figure out where weight was redistributed to. Well, I should say I can but I don’t know where it left me… So I get the dress situation! And I hated blueberries, except in blueberry muffins. Now I can them by the handful – blueberries, not the muffins!


  6. I feel ya. Weight loss can be so frustrating. I know all the science behind it – 3500 calories = 1lb. If only it was that simple!

    It always takes me AGES to lose any weight and when I do, I’ll drop 4lbs in a week, then go back to staying the same again. Gah!

    I find a total rehaul of my diet/fitness program can help. I find myself sometimes lying to myself about how much I eat. Like, I’ll eat healthy, but LOADS of fruit thinking I can get away with it. When that sugar is just not helping the scale move at all. Damn you, fruit!

    Hope you feel better soon.
    Corinne x


    1. Science makes it sound so simple but life is another story. I’ve been trying to overhaul my diet for awhile but unfortunately, my restriction list makes things hard. I think this current flare is calming down, so fingers crossed that helps soon. But I know I have a sugar problem that I need to kick, both healthy and unhealthy!


  7. June 2013-June 2014 I lost 50 lbs. I’ve lost nothing since then. NOTHING. I modified my diet, I modified my exercise, I stayed steady and I “shocked my system”. So if you figure it out, let me know. So know that you aren’t alone in the world!


Comments are closed.