Hell Y….eah????

I am a runner.

Or am I?

On Thursday evening I went for a run around the lake path, a route I’ve probably put hundreds of miles on over the years.   Some short, some long; it’s still home to my fastest unofficial 5K and once held a race that actually gave me my one and only first over all female win.

However that was years ago and this was not a race.  All my runs start with at least a 1/2 mile walk.  I know it drags down my overall pace but it’s how I warm up so I don’t care.   Much.  On this night I passed a woman running that I had never seen there before but let’s be honest I recognize the dogs more than the people.   We passed each other going opposite directions during my warm up walk.  We later passed each other again once I had started running.    Only this time she yelled “hell yeah” and gave me a high five.

At first it made me smile… then I started to wonder.   Was it a “hell yeah” in runner solidarity or do I just look so damn new out there? More like a newborn fawn these days than a runner?

I’ve made no secret that I’ve been riding the struggle bus since Big Sur.   First my back and hips were causing issues then my left foot has been a jerk for the last month.  Motivation has been lagging. Hell, the scale has hit the highest number I’ve ever seen. Oh and random asthma attacks have joined the party.

I don’t really feel like a runner anymore. I feel like a fraud.

Running is hard. Getting out the door is hard. Not giving up is hard.

I think that’s part of why I like the medals so much even if that seems petty. They remind me that I can do harder things. They’re a visual I can hold onto when I’m struggling through a 4 mile run. But then that also frustrates me. Why is it so hard??

I don’t want it all to be easy just a little less huffing and puffing would be nice.

I’m not new. But I am. I’m a runner… even on the days I’m not.

It’s one foot in front of the other, right? And repeat.

6 thoughts on “Hell Y….eah????

  1. Pingback: Week 28-Holiday – Slacker Runner

  2. You are totally a runner! I took a full 2 weeks of down time after San Diego – and that lack of miles started to stress me out – but then I was reminded that we put our bodies through so much in training, and you trained for 2 big races back to back!!! 26 mile race calls for 26 days of recovery! So, take your time, just enjoy the miles you do get – you are running just for you! And yes, I’m the same, during a hard run, I tend to remind myself of the medals hanging on the wall! I’ve done it, I am strong, and so what if right now I’m slower than my training paces? It’s all good – balance, just enjoy the miles you get and the rest will come!

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  3. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all go through little slumps–it’s just part of the journey. Your ailments, pains and pounds all have an effect. I think its sometimes harder for us runners to accept those changes. The changes mean we have to go a little slower, or run not quite as far until we can build up again. When we start running we accept the difficulties but once you get comfortable in running its hard to accept the challenge unless its clearly above and beyond where we’ve gone before. Challenging runs with below average results are not fun. They happen. Just slow down and enjoy the journey, in time everything will improve.

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  4. Paula

    You’re a runner. It is tough to run when you have a health issue. Mine is Hashimoto’s (low thyroid) & there are times when it takes everything I have to run. I am mad that I have a chronic disease that holds me back & other runners judge. But if they could run in my shoes, they just might think Hell Yeah. Given your health issues you do better than a heck of a lot of healthy runners!

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