Tag: life

Awkward

I started running about 10 years ago.

At that time I was very self conscious about what I looked like when running. Do I sound like an elephant? Is my face red and puffy? Do I look like I am dying out here? In fact, there were times I would stop running and pretend to admire the flowers if a car was coming. Ha!

Then a customer mentioned one day while I was at work that they had seen me out running. Wait, what? I used to run directly after work from work as I knew I would not follow through if I went home first. Side note, still true. Side effect of a small town was that I was always running or walking near someone’s home. I started asking where they lived and from then on would always make sure I was running when I went by their houses- even if it was up a hill. Constant motivation, right?

That quasi shame holds true today. I hate being caught walking while out running by anyone I know. Even though I know full well there is nothing wrong with walking. It still irritates me. Unless it’s like 105* outside, it makes me cranky when someone says they saw me walking.

Cue Monday.

With a day off work, I headed out for an afternoon run. Except I was ridiculously sore from the previous days few track miles. It was 92* and my blisters were screaming. I thought I had taped them up enough but I was wrong. So I was walking. Which again I know is fine.

Then I hear “is that Fallon?”. Oh hell. Seriously?!

I was almost done with my run turned walk and was finishing it down on the river path which rarely has anyone on it. Yet, there was someone I know from work. What are the odds??

Well the town only has 30,000 people so I guess the odds aren’t that high but still. I still felt super awkward. (also did I get that odds statement backwards?)

So, yeah even after 10 years, I still feel like a newbie out there. And I still have hang ups.

Hard Reset

I’ve been thinking about time lately. Both present and past.

I started this blog in 2013 after I had been running consistently since 2010. Ok, more like 2012. I loved the community I found both through this blog and other social media. I have made real friends that I would have never met otherwise. Hell, I flew to Vegas to run a race with someone I’d never met IRL and shared my hotel room with someone else who I’d only met at another race. If you all knew me, you would know how much a big deal that was- I’m a very comfort zone kind of person. I haven’t seen either of them in a year and that is sad.

Then as the years went on, I was running more…or less. I was blogging but I’d become set in a pattern. I used to blog whenever the mood struck at whatever time about whatever popped into my head on the run. I miss those days. But I got myself mired into following some of the things the big time bloggers did. Weekly recaps? Why not? But then I was shoving a whole week’s worth of running into one post. If I was my usually verbose self, that post would get damn long. So, I started editing. That’s stupid.

Then 2020 happened. I started the year by running my 40th half marathon. Then lockdown and a crazy world. I will be lucky if I clear 350 miles this year. I am legitimately starting over with running.

So instead of being pissed at how I wandered so far off the path I was on, I am treating it like a hard reset.

So, in that spirit, I took to the track on Sunday. It’s been years since I ran at the track and it used to be my happy place. Although I don’t think I will ever run a 10 miler on the track again, that was cuckoo.

So I put on new running shoes (which have been in my closet since February) and headed for the track to get back to basics. It was hot but that was not the reason I struggled. I really am that out of shape. I may have avoided the COVID 20 but I lost any muscle mass I had and all endurance between that and all the smoke the past few months. And while I didn’t gain any COVID weight, I also didn’t the lose the extra 40ish pounds from the previous 2 years. Ha!

So, yes, my 3 miles were hard. Even with the couch to 5k app I downloaded. What didn’t help was the blister that formed due to the new shoes either. I really am starting over! There was a lot of walking involved- due to both the heat and the blisters. I also tried out the Track Run feature on my Coros watch. I think it was a little confused. Or I did it wrong.

Struggle aside, I needed that hardness. It was the reality of where I am at and it’s a starting point to build on. I actually enjoyed my struggle run. Well, until a dad and his kids showed and parked themselves and stroller in my lane. Seriously??? What happened to track etiquette?

Anyways…Will you join me as I chase down fitness??

Full Circle

It’s slowly dawned on me that I’ve come full circle.

I started running in 2010. I was at my highest weight and feeling gross and out of shape. I had been counseled at work for less than professional dress- apparently I looked frumpy. Work sponsored a Fun Run every year- though true story- this was more legit road race than fun run, it seriously warped my view of how races were run for the longest time. A friend was training for a marathon. I thought why not??

So I started changing at work and attempting a run right after work. I was so out shape, I hoped no one I knew saw me running. Or walking. Every now and then a customer would say that they saw me out there. I would always where they lived so I could be sure to run past their house on future runs and not walk.

Slowly I ran more and more, the weight started to come off and I started to get faster. I ran more races and discovered PR’s and bling. I learned that even though I am a socially awkward people person, I loved the camaraderie of races- everyone grumbling at the early morning starts, long lines at port -a -potties and the people you encounter throughout the course.

Then, I started to go backwards. My times got slower and the weight starting coming back. With a vengeance. Running became harder and I was struggling to keep my motivation.

I’ve run 40 half marathons, 2 marathons and countless other distances but now, I can barely make myself get out the door.

When I do, I remember what I love about running even though it is harder than ever. I took that above mentioned highest weight ever in 2010 and not only met it but raised it another 40 pounds. And yes, while the weight does make it harder, I also realize my deep running ennui with life right now is the biggest stumbling block.

I was changing after work to go for a run last week (for the first time since I transferred back) and that’s when it hit me. I am back in the same office I was in when I started running all those years ago. I feel just as awkward now as I did then. I’ve come full circle. I think my shame at what I let happen has overpowered everything else.

How did I let it happen?
How do I start over?

26- Fade

Remember when we thought 2020 was going to be so awesome?

I take it all back.

My poor little town needs a break. Fire is a common occurrence out here, very common but I wasn’t ready for fire to come roaring out of the riverbed into the surrounding neighborhoods. And this a week after the southern part of the county had the largest fire we’ve seen in years. All homes were saved in the southern fire, not the same can be said for our small town. There was another midsize fire over the weekend too. Which again is sadly normal.

And for the love of Pete, stop it with the fireworks!

Ok, running…

Monday was lost to fire, and Tuesday was pretty smokey too.

Wednesday turned into a tilt-o-whirl. Is that what those things are called? The day started out normal but turned south just before lunch. The world started spinning and it didn’t want to stop. I ended up leaving work early which is something that does not come easily to me. I then slept the day away.

The tilt-o-whirl then left me fuzzy for a few days. At least I know it was migraine related but that does make 2 world spinning trips in the last 5 months and that is not normal.

My weekend was spent mostly napping but I did drag myself out for a sluggish 5K on Sunday. My heart rate throughout those short miles let me know I was still a little rough. And a lot out of shape. So it makes total sense that I just signed up for a mileage challenge right?

Ha!

How was your week?

22/23 Headspace

Hello, again.

I have been struggling with motivation all year. In fact I am struggling with lots of things these days. I thought I was handling life since lockdown better- I mean I was a homebody before and I still got to go to work so in some ways not much changed.

But so much did. And that was before the job/office transfer.

I’m tired all the time, I come home after work and fall asleep. I sleep in on the weekends but still pass out for naps. I am having trouble sleeping and having trippy dreams when I do.

I’m not running, barely moving. Did I mention my new office is a 2 story with stairs and my daily steps are still crap? I know I feel better when I run but I can’t seem to make myself get out the door. There are times I change into my running clothes with the intention to run but end up napping instead. I set alarms to get up in the morning and am barely conscious as I hit snooze. I ran exactly twice in the last 2 weeks. One very hot 2.5 miler and a mashed up 5K-5Miler for Giants San Jose Virtual.

I am eating better than I was- both pre lock down and intense snacking in the beginning of lock down. That’s something, right?

Years ago, I used to get depressed around May- June. Well, I called it my dark place but I always linked it to graduation. Everyone would be posting about their plans post high school (small town life) and I was not happy in my job then. I worked with good people and made decent money for the time but that time of year would remind me that I could have tried harder or made different choices. I haven’t felt like that in years as I really do like my current job and coworkers so I don’t think I can blame my current ennui on that. 2016 would have been a different story but that’s not the point.

Actually, I don’t know what the point is. I also don’t know if it matters.